The Impossible Choice
No, this blog is not the start of a romantic comedy. It is focused on the topic of how we go about making massive, potentially life changing, decisions. 
The impossible choice arises when you have to choose between things in which one side of the equation starts out looking much better than the other but the obvious choice just does not feel 100% right. Later it turns out not to be so simple to differentiate since they are both fantastic in non-comparable ways.
Recently I had to make such an impossible choice. I admit it. I struggled a lot with it which surprised me. Normally I am a very decisive person with facts driving me along quickly. Not this time! I agonized, lost sleep, had arguments, questioned my motivations in life and more.
When it boiled down to it the choice revolved around if I wanted to :
- Look a little further forwards, putting some priorities and values I and the family value greatly today on hold short term, for a likely longer term gain;
- Focus more on making sure that, in the here and now, the family and I can do what we value today knowing it is impossible to know what tomorrow brings.
Neither answer is wrong. This is where hard decisions become impossible. I spent nearly three weeks on this one! The truth is that during my life I have taken decisions, at different stages, which put a priority on both at different times without really thinking about it.
Introspection
What I learnt is that, while I make decisions every day without hesitation, this decision felt very different. I was flip-flopping constantly and that is totally not me.
I went into a profound period of introspection asking myself questions such as:
- Was I being too risk averse or glossing over risks?
- Was I afraid of change, was there something hidden holding me back or am I right to value what I have?
- Had I really got all the facts I gathered correct and should I care about the details anyway?
- Was I being over demanding in what I wanted or was I just trying to make sure my priorities remained intact?
I spent a lot of time talking it through with many friends, and colleagues, but I was still struggling to make a decision. Every perspective was different and that was not really helping!
The Aha Moment
I admit it. I then turned to the Internet and tried to find outside inspiration to unlock what was going on. Someone out there always has some great ideas!
After some searching I stumbled on a Ted Talk by Ruth Chang entitled “How to make hard choices”. It perfectly addressed my dilemma. It is 15 minutes long and I would really encourage you to watch it. Below is a small abridged excerpt from the transcript:
Suddenly there was clarity! The choice had become impossible because the decision I needed to make was a different decision to what I was wrestling with. On the surface the choice looked clear but “something” was nagging deep down in my decision making process and I was struggling to articulate it.
Betting for the medium or long term was not my priority. As it stood certain factors meant one choice would have left me there. I have been there and done that. For nearly 10 years I delayed the present to get to a place I can enjoy today. Years without vacations to buy a house and careful moves in many other areas so that we could do that as quickly as possible. Finally we are at the stage where that starts to pay off.
What I wanted was a way to keep my valued short term capability to enjoy things while moving towards something else that would have given me great professional satisfaction. I wanted the cake and to eat it :).
So the real question was: “Did I/we want to delay doing things again just when we were starting to enjoy it?”
When looking at what I wanted in life today it meant that the “obvious” choice needed some changes so that it would support those short term values. Without that the decision was pretty straight forward.
Why so straight forward? I am responsible to manage the story of my life and in that story I am not alone. The values we have today are pretty set in stone having come about as the result of years compromising to reach where I am today.
It was clear that for me, and the family, the choice that enabled us to live how we wanted today was more important than the one that promised an unpredictable future. We put a great deal more weight on that than if something could have been professionally very rewarding, and monetarily much better, in the long run. That clarity tipped the scales.
Some might not agree but this is my/our story not theirs. It is determined by where you are on your life journey and what has gone before. It is your personal context as an individual and a family. Rewind 10 years and I would probably have had a whole set of different values and a dare say I would have made a different decision.
Clarification
This whole process has clarified who I am and a core value that is unshakable at the moment. Maybe it is a life stage thing, with a young family, that will pass. For today it is important. My direction for now is clear.
I am someone who wants to live for what I can do today after many years of compromising on that. I do not know what tomorrow brings but today I have kids and I want to be able to give them all the things I can.
Some might say that you must speculate, with calculated risks, to accumulate. I agree since I already did it along the way to get to where I am today. But speculation does not change who you are, and what you value, so in any speculation I would need support for what I value today and not just in a future I may not see.
My hard choice is made. I am disappointed, in many ways, I did not jump the other way especially as at times I was 90% of the way there. If only we could have found a bridge to meet those needs, that would have enabled the family and I to continue to live in the “now” without too much of a lifestyle change, I think the decision would have been different.
My disappointment, however, is tempered by the fact that based on what I most value today I have made the right choice. The impossible choice becomes easier when it is based on what you want your life story to be!
How do you make your hard choices?